Wow! I’m super ecstatic that the blog has taken off as quickly as it has. I have received a few awesome questions that’ll help better explain my personal situation. Let’s get to it:
Q: How do you compete in pageants if you’re depressed? I can’t even leave my bed when I’m depressed.
A: So here’s the deal. Even though I was fully aware of my depression, I always tried to fight it. So…. I was getting anxious about college and how I was going to pay for my textbooks. I heard a radio ad about competing in the Miss America Organization and how there is scholarship money involved. My brain automatically went: Help yourself stop being anxious and try to win some of that scholarship money. As you can imagine I was stereotyped right away. When I decided to compete I wasn’t thinking about the label that would come with it, I was competing to pay for school. Of course, society isn’t that kind. Again, no one took the time to learn about the Miss America Organization or why I was doing it. I heard horrible things about me like how I thought that I was prettier than everyone, or I was stuck up, etc. This obviously contributed to my depression. Why I am still competing today? Through competing I found an extreme love for volunteering. Honestly, I couldn’t get out of bed to go to class but I could get out of bed to catch a stray dog. There’s your answer. I couldn’t stop doing the one thing that was keeping me alive (literally). I am a local title holder because giving back to my community and receiving money for school magically increases my serotonin levels. I realized that’s more important than what people were saying about me based off of nothing.
Q: Were you ever treated for depression?
A: So that’s where this blog is going. The short answer is No. The long answer will be found throughout the blog. I ended up where I did because I didn’t want help, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone that I hated myself and life. I didn’t want to be judged, I had enough of that going on. With that being said, things didn’t get better for me until I ended up in the hospital and the truth came out. Keep following the blog to find out what’s going on.
Q: How exactly did your depression affect your relationships?
A: I was paranoid ALL OF THE TIME. I felt like I was going to be left, which made me angry and sad all of the time (traits no one is really attracted to). Once my relationships failed I blamed myself and the person I was. It was especially hard because I couldn’t control how I was feeling and it was hard for someone else to understand why I was crying, irritable, or angry. People don’t typically understand your mood unless they themselves have experienced what you’re going through. In terms of friendships, I couldn’t really make friends before could you imagine what it was like once my depression and anxiety got worse? It was a nightmare. I could go up on stage and talk about volunteering but I couldn’t make friends. Strange
Q: Have you ever cut yourself?
A: No. I abused myself enough mentally that physically I never found the need to. Honestly, I don’t like feeling pain either, I would have been too scared to. When I was suicidal I wanted something quick and painless. More detail about this later on.